I’m sorry, but dating sucks.
I’m very lucky to have met my boyfriend in real life (kind of) and to have hit it off naturally. Not everyone gets to be this lucky.
Maybe your job doesn’t allow you to meet very many people, or maybe you’re super shy (and you’re not about to thirst-add the hot trainer at the gym on Facebook like I did).
Valentine’s Day is coming and, well, ’tis the season.
This is where dating apps come to play. I haven’t been on tinder in a very, very long time but I spoke to some of my single friends and they all seemed to be saying the same thing: there are only about eight men on tinder.
They may appear under different names or with different photos but, honey, they are all the same.
Guy #1: The “Girls Swipe Right For My Dog” Guy
He might be good looking. He’s probably pretty average. But he has a gorgeous, trendy breed (all dogs are beautiful but I’m talking pug or shiba inu) in his first photo. He knows what he’s doing. Babe, you don’t like him. You like his dog.
Guy #2: The Married Guy
This is a weird one that keeps cropping up. Sometimes the photos are actually of his wedding day. I’m not really sure what that’s about. Swipe left.
Guy #3: The “Hot Friends Houdini” Guy
What do you do if you’re a pretty average looking dude but you have a bunch of hot friends? You make your tinder profile picture a group photo, of course. You should always assume that, in a group photo, your date is the least attractive one.
Guy #4: The Ghost
This guy is basically everything you’re looking for. He’s hot, has the body type you like, makes good money, drives a nice car… He’ll be funny and charming and he’ll take you to dinner and be a complete gentleman. You won’t be able to believe your luck. But then after your date, his profile will disappear and you’ll never hear from him again. You’ll always be left wondering “was it something I said?”
Guy #5: The Guy You Went To High School With
Be careful with this one. He is likely still in touch with some of the people you still know from school and if the date doesn’t work out, his story will be different to yours. But if you feel like rekindling an old flame, swipe right.
Guy #6: The Booty Call Guy
His profile picture is usually shirtless and there’ll be a picture of him drinking something alcoholic and/or wearing a backwards cap. He won’t mess around. Moments after matching, he’ll message you to ask for sex. Avoid.
Guy #7: The Catfish
If he looks too good to be true, reverse image search that shit. You’ll probably find identical pictures on the Instagram of the person who actually owns those photos. He’s probably just trying to get noodz.
Guy #8: The Guy Who Can’t Take A Hint
You match with him, talk for a little bit, maybe even go on one date… and you’ve got yourself a stalker for life. There was no magic. There was no chemistry. But he thinks there was and he won’t leave you alone. You can try and let him down easy but he goes from 0-100 real quick and next thing you know he’s telling you he misses you (after meeting you once) and asking you to have dinner with his parents. Good luck.
Then of course you’ve got all the other people you already know (because New Zealand is small) like your brother, the people you work with and your ex. Always fun seeing them on tinder.
Have you met any of these characters? If you have any horror stories I’d love to hear them, they always make for a good read!